"And I regret what I swept, Jesus wept for my grace/ Hail Mary's fulla shit, thas been etched on my face/ Just in case they wanna place all the blame of this game/ I'll rat race you rodents and call y'all "muthafuckas" the same/ I'll back chase you like prey, I ain't changing my lane/ I'll control-alt-delete the fact you even saying my name/ And itz a shame that...I ain't made yet/ But when it comes, I bet I take the match in straight sets/ This is the volley in the valley of the depths of my mind/ Where I'm in search of - any piece of truth I can find/ I ain't braille blind, no Abu Grab on my eyes/ I ain't hell bound, the devil can't sell me the lies/ I'm the pot where the chicken fries harder than thugs/ But the plot's kinda thick so they be crying for love/ Fine line til itz hate and your mate is obtuse/ To the fact that I'm acute and prone to reboot the air/ Shooting flares like 380's, playing "Sadie" to soothe/ The fact I care in my heart, but my soul needs sum proof/ I take off my kool and rewind every scene that I fear/ Cuz I'm closer to my death than the breath of next year..." -Mo.Jey, "The Mirror Freestyle"
*SCENE I: "The WAKE UP Show..."
...I had a dream two nights ago that shook my soul in ways I've never experienced. In the dream...my beloved son, Ahmir, was hit by a car in a parking lot. It..........it didn't knock him in the air or to the pavement. It was like, he was glued to the front of the car as the driver, a young teenage girl, came to a stop. His eyes were still open when he got hit. I remember him looking at me with the same look he gave me during his first year of soccer this past fall...the 1st time he got the wind knocked out of him when a kid from the other team kicked the ball on a direct shot to Ahmir's stomach. He immediately ran for his daddy. I knew he was hurt immediately...and part of me wanted to move as slow as I could to the field on that day, cuz you know......if you play sports, you WILL get injured at sum point in time. But...the paternal part of me said:
"This kid is 5 years-old and this is the 1st time he's ever been injured."
It wasn't even an injury, really. He just got the wind knocked out of him. But.........this is a very little 5 year-old boy. He's tough, indeed...but the kick to the stomach shocked the shit out of him. So I made my way to him to calm him AND his breathing down...and that was that. But in this dream...he was pasted to the front of a moving car...and that same look of shock meant a totally different thing this time. It happened so damn fast, in slow motion. I remember my father ran to the car first. When I made it to the car, the teenage girl who was driving was absolutely hysterical. She wasn't speeding. She just simply didn't see Ahmir until he was hit by her car. I remember screaming at her repeatedly...
"IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!"
...until my dad began to peel my son off the front of the vehicle. My father, is a former drug addict and alcoholic, turned the Reverend Brown Thomas Jenkins, 6 years ago. I could hear him mumbling a prayer as he was peeling my son off this car. I couldn't make out the words. And thas when I noticed Ahmir's eyes were closed...my father crying...blood escaping my son's nose, ears, mouth and the corners of his closed eyes........and then I woke up.
It was all a dream...
(*NOTE: This is the 3rd such dream I've had like this, in regards to my son, Je'Mani Ahmir. I'm seriously searching for sum answers. I need CLARITY on what these dreams are supposed to mean.)
*SCENE II: "Volume Me"
...Are you AWAKE now!?
My left brain is constantly fighting with my right brain...
"Move over right brain, you taking up too much space!"
Like...on one hand, I understand - everybody has their own separate "grind" (that's a word thas starting to get TIRED real quick for me)...and nobody's grind is the same. So...I respect people. Even if/when I don't agree with someting or someone, I still respect whus presented before me. But.......on the other hand...I be seeing shit sometimes and it just annoys the hell outta me. Like - I was always told to RESPECT women, regardless of her hue or how she presents herself. But then, I be peepin' summa the things some (NOT all) of the women be saying, like, on Twitter and it literally makes me shake my damn head. NOT that everything has to be serious or profound OR thought provoking (hello @sweeteebs...lol, I heard you Sis)......but, I mean, really...
"A spade is a spade."
So if you present yourself as a shallow muthafucka in one blink, but in the next blink - you want people to take you serious as an actress...or as a singer...or just as a person, PERIOD......you may wanna lock yourself in the bathroom so you can thoroughly look at yourself in the mirror.
"When U-N-I-Verse...at War, muthafucka" -Black Thought & Common
My right brain is like...in regards to the things I write...my right brain is on sum, keep it kool type shit. But my left brain.....is on sum rogue emcee type shit. Thas the side of me that wants to start sunnin' the very people who inspire me. Not on sum backstabbin' shit either...but more on sum...
"Maaaan, I just paid madd respect to you and you gon' ignore a nigga!?"
Conventional wisdom says: "Well Monty...keep yo calm level at a nice pitch. - becuz in essence, I am NOT known to "the masses" yet. But then my other hand says "damn being politically correct"...and I'm just gon' start...
"SNIPING"
...people, if I feel they're lame and disrespectful. I mean....I ain't Billy Badass........................(let that hang there for a second, so y'all don't confuse my approach)..................................but I CAN thoroughly obliterate a person's whole aura, with one scathing verse, if necessary. And maybe thas just my competitive side coming to the surface. Or...maybe thas my hungry emcee side coming to the light. The point is...I'm gonna advise people to start paying attention NOW. Turn my volume up now...before the sun comes: UP.
Cuz one can't run or hide when God allows me to send heat rays that sting in one's direction.
"PYOOM"
*SCENE III: "RE:Niggas..."
I'm looking at my surroundings. Never judging. Simply assessing. I think about the Malcolms and Martins and Hueys...and what they stood for. What they faught for. And what they, ultimately died for. And the ones before them.
I think about Assata Shakur...STILL in exile in Cuba over sum shit she didn't even do! Itz LONG past time for her to be pardoned in the state of New Jersey! I think about these people everyday.......and how, Hip-Hop is connected to them.
HIP-HOP. Would NOT. EXIST...
...if it wasn't for the people mentioned above (and many more), laying their mortality on the line...for us and future generations - to simply exist. So.......with that said, I'm wondering WHY summa these lame ass emcees spit the hot garbàge they spit? Like, okay...my time is near, so I'm gonna have the same opportunity summa these artists (using that term LOOSE, like baby bowels) have......but for the life of me, I can't connect the dots to how they just jack-off the opportunity they've been blessed with.
Don't paint me disgruntled either...I'm good where God is telling me to stand. I'm just saying...WE have the opportunity to IMPACT many-many generations to come, with the words we speak or sing........so why not use that opportunity, responsibly. Hell...I ain't saying - don't make songs people can dance to. Muthafucka, I overstand economics, marketing AND the music business! And I ain't dumb enough to think everybody can come with the type of lyrics I'm coming with! Or that Lupe Fiasco comes with. Or Jay Elect...or Mos Def...or Kweli. I don't expect every artist to have the intelligence that David Banner has...or Tyrese. And yes...there IS room for everybody to shine. But...
"A spade is a spade."
...I just feel like summa these cats are setting our asses back with these songs they putting out. And to me, y'all are being labeled as RE:Niggas becuz y'all were summa the same ones hollering...
"We want a CHANGE!"
...and brandishing Obama '08 signs before the November 2008 election. Then y'all reverted back to the very bullshit thas killin' hip-hop. Y'all sum hypocrits, major. I told y'all up top, I overstand economics, marketing AND business...
"Muthafuckas"
...so I DO know, a lotta times itz about money. I know itz dollars over sense...and shit, in that case, my babies gotta eat TOO! So maybe saying any of this makes me either self-righteous or just a fucking fool. Not for me to discern. What I'm saying is.........don't tell me I CAN'T get paid and still keep my integrity. I'll prove your ass wrong. Hell YES, I wanna get paid for being an artist...that goes without saying. But.......I also want sumthin thas a little deeper than being a millionaire artist on pasted in a cookie cutter for consumption. I want sumthin more than making an appearance on MTV Cribs (fuck THAT...I'm too private for that shit to EVER happen). I want a legacy.
When I'm old and gray...at the end of my road.....hell, before I'm old and gray! I'm talking 10 to 20 years from now...when my kids are become teenagers and then adults. I don't want their peers to say...
"Damn yo, your dad put out sum REALLY wack shit!"
I want them to be PROUD of the music I create...so they can look back and say...
"WOW! My dad DID that!"...OR..."Thas my daddy's song"
...and NOT be embarrassed by the shit they hear coming outta my mouth. I don't wanna FUCK every girl in the world...I mean damn, not only would my dick fall OFF at some point.......................................(lmao...let that hang their for a second)............................but also, WHAT kinda message would I be sending to my son AND...my daughter!? Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know...sum are gon' say I just took a blog shot at Weezy & Drake. Bullshit! I own & like both of those cat's music...I just used that song as an example. So...what it becomes is this: A conscious battle with my conscience. I just wanna be "successful", but at what price...cuz I damn sure ain't gonna put on blackface for a buck. I cannot and will not be RE:Nigga'd. Spin my records in the clubs and on the radio at your own risk...
-Mo.Jey Sense Birth
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Volume I/Part 16: "In My RIGHT Mind..."
"So in summation I don't know who you racing I'm already at the finish line with the flag waving..." -Jay-Z
SCENE I. "Southpaw Mentality"
...And if I hadda known the shit was gonna be THIS hard when I made the decision to become an actor at age 12...........I STILL woulda made the same decision!
I'm standing on the line. I'm at the crap table and I gotta heat up my hand. This joint...this is more about life than it is about me being an actor or a emcee. More than me being an artist. This joint is about, life. I guess...I'm a gambling man. And...
"I will NOT...Lose!"
I stress that point...not because I'm a sore sport. Not because I'm arrogant. I say it because...my kids are depending on their father, NOT losing. Part of what I call my southpaw mentality is the ability to simply believe in myself enough to know I will not lose. Willing myself to win! Now...when you paste that next to the fact that "success" - as defined by the dictionary - has not come as soon as I would have liked...or dreamed......you can begin to see where that "southpaw mentality" has to be very firmly planed inside walls of the gray matter inside my skull. It constantly has to be refined, reverbed & rehearsed...in order for me to continue to fight for the realization of every dream I believe in.
I been in this, like - ultra-reflective state the past few days. I'm realistically speaking to my place, not only in the entertainment business, but also my place in the universe.
"When U-N-I-Verse @ War"
This bitter cold Naptown air has my ass trapped inside my upper room on tonight as my kids sleep. I'm searching my "attic" for real live thoughts of, how I can better myself. Better myself within the mundane and sometimes, demeaning part of trying to seriously network with other people...other human beings...on a (gasp) networking website.
Everybody has their grind man. So, I don't collapse when people don't hear me speaking. I just look it as...
"their eyes & ears ain't caught up to what I'm saying..........yet."
And......well - to bluntly state it, I don't kid myself to think that I'm the ONLY talented actor or emcee out here lookin' for his or her shot. There is literally a MILLION AND ONE muthafuckas out here who either look or dress like me.......or they have the exact same mentality I have...
"Lose Yourself." -Eminem
I don't roll with a back up plan because I am SURE of what I can do when I'm cast in a film. I KNOW what I can spit when given a track. I know how creative my mind is, when coming up with dialogue for a script. And I'm confident about my eventual success. I'm not selfish. I mean........I just ain't the type of cat who has to have ALL the shine. I ain't flashy. Or arrogant. And NONE OF THAT should ever be taken as a sign of weakness or me being a naive nigga from country ass Indianapolis, Indiana. That most definitely ain't the case. I mean, the very fact that I AM from Nap means that I got an instant chip on my shoulder. Not a negative chip...but a chip, nonetheless. Thing is...and this ain't no knock on any of my peers in New York City, L.A. or Chicago...or Atlanta, but...where one might take shit for granted because they have sum success or they live in one of those cities......I don't. I don't take NUTHIN for granted! You spend 12 hours on the set of your film, I'm trying to do at least 16. You do a 6 or 7 hour session...I'm tryna do 12 to 14...and I might bang out half my album in that time provided that there's no bullshittin' going on. Point I'm making is.......I will out work and out hustle the next cat, EVERY time. Period.
I really look forward to working with some actors who are "better" than I am. To me...that will only push me to work harder. I look forward to collabs with some emcees who flow better than me...becuz I ain't gonna Adrian Peterson that shit.
"Fuuuuuuuuumble!"
I do not fumble when given the opportunity. Ask film director, Skee Skinner (YouTube that name and press play on that trailer...).
I do not fumble when given the opportunity.
I do not fumble when given the opportunity.
I do not fumble when given the opportunity.
When I lived in L.A....a well known actor once told me, that in this business...the last "unknown" cat left standing - is the one who makes it and becomes successful. I am relentless. I do not waver. I do not quit. I never sleep. And I will not stop. I promised my mother an Oscar by age 50 and I promised myself a Grammy before age 40. Not that I feel awards mean this, that or the other. It just simply says, I have set my bar high...and I ain't gon' stop til I reach the bar and leap my ass over it.
I am an actor for hire.
I am an emcee for higher.
In the words of the Goodie Mob, I AM: STILL Standing...
Thank God...(my time is near)...
-WhoIsMo.Jey
SCENE I. "Southpaw Mentality"
...And if I hadda known the shit was gonna be THIS hard when I made the decision to become an actor at age 12...........I STILL woulda made the same decision!
I'm standing on the line. I'm at the crap table and I gotta heat up my hand. This joint...this is more about life than it is about me being an actor or a emcee. More than me being an artist. This joint is about, life. I guess...I'm a gambling man. And...
"I will NOT...Lose!"
I stress that point...not because I'm a sore sport. Not because I'm arrogant. I say it because...my kids are depending on their father, NOT losing. Part of what I call my southpaw mentality is the ability to simply believe in myself enough to know I will not lose. Willing myself to win! Now...when you paste that next to the fact that "success" - as defined by the dictionary - has not come as soon as I would have liked...or dreamed......you can begin to see where that "southpaw mentality" has to be very firmly planed inside walls of the gray matter inside my skull. It constantly has to be refined, reverbed & rehearsed...in order for me to continue to fight for the realization of every dream I believe in.
I been in this, like - ultra-reflective state the past few days. I'm realistically speaking to my place, not only in the entertainment business, but also my place in the universe.
"When U-N-I-Verse @ War"
This bitter cold Naptown air has my ass trapped inside my upper room on tonight as my kids sleep. I'm searching my "attic" for real live thoughts of, how I can better myself. Better myself within the mundane and sometimes, demeaning part of trying to seriously network with other people...other human beings...on a (gasp) networking website.
Everybody has their grind man. So, I don't collapse when people don't hear me speaking. I just look it as...
"their eyes & ears ain't caught up to what I'm saying..........yet."
And......well - to bluntly state it, I don't kid myself to think that I'm the ONLY talented actor or emcee out here lookin' for his or her shot. There is literally a MILLION AND ONE muthafuckas out here who either look or dress like me.......or they have the exact same mentality I have...
"Lose Yourself." -Eminem
I don't roll with a back up plan because I am SURE of what I can do when I'm cast in a film. I KNOW what I can spit when given a track. I know how creative my mind is, when coming up with dialogue for a script. And I'm confident about my eventual success. I'm not selfish. I mean........I just ain't the type of cat who has to have ALL the shine. I ain't flashy. Or arrogant. And NONE OF THAT should ever be taken as a sign of weakness or me being a naive nigga from country ass Indianapolis, Indiana. That most definitely ain't the case. I mean, the very fact that I AM from Nap means that I got an instant chip on my shoulder. Not a negative chip...but a chip, nonetheless. Thing is...and this ain't no knock on any of my peers in New York City, L.A. or Chicago...or Atlanta, but...where one might take shit for granted because they have sum success or they live in one of those cities......I don't. I don't take NUTHIN for granted! You spend 12 hours on the set of your film, I'm trying to do at least 16. You do a 6 or 7 hour session...I'm tryna do 12 to 14...and I might bang out half my album in that time provided that there's no bullshittin' going on. Point I'm making is.......I will out work and out hustle the next cat, EVERY time. Period.
I really look forward to working with some actors who are "better" than I am. To me...that will only push me to work harder. I look forward to collabs with some emcees who flow better than me...becuz I ain't gonna Adrian Peterson that shit.
"Fuuuuuuuuumble!"
I do not fumble when given the opportunity. Ask film director, Skee Skinner (YouTube that name and press play on that trailer...).
I do not fumble when given the opportunity.
I do not fumble when given the opportunity.
I do not fumble when given the opportunity.
When I lived in L.A....a well known actor once told me, that in this business...the last "unknown" cat left standing - is the one who makes it and becomes successful. I am relentless. I do not waver. I do not quit. I never sleep. And I will not stop. I promised my mother an Oscar by age 50 and I promised myself a Grammy before age 40. Not that I feel awards mean this, that or the other. It just simply says, I have set my bar high...and I ain't gon' stop til I reach the bar and leap my ass over it.
I am an actor for hire.
I am an emcee for higher.
In the words of the Goodie Mob, I AM: STILL Standing...
Thank God...(my time is near)...
-WhoIsMo.Jey
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Volume I/Part 11: "Letters From The Darksyde of the Sun/Son (Where there IS Light)"
"If you close your eyes long enough, you can see the image of God."
I. The Sombrero Fallout
...I now know, I wanna die.
I wanna kill this version of myself & reconfigure EXACTLY who I am...and what I'm here for. Sometimes, the picture in front of you is actually a hologram. I been seeing this "Taj Mirage" in front of me....like running toward a fresh water pond in the middle of a desert......I kinda like, played myself.
I wanna kill myOLDself & become: RE:Freshed. So...I'm lookin' to "Cain my Abel" today. Selfish pride, ego, etc. As my mama said to me recently:
"You been trying it your way and it ain't working. So lay down your arms...and let God take control."
Poignant words for a stubborn/defiant son. So..........lemme just say this, becuz the rumors will fly with summa my former co-workers. And I don't want my shit to be DIS:torted. See.........to me, FAILURE is - when a muthafucka doesn't try at ALL! Failure is NOT, when you TRY and don't succeed. For which it stands......I didn't leave my old job becuz I HATED it! Lemme repeat that:
"I did NOT leave my old job because I HATED it!"
I left, becuz I saw an opportunity to advance my acting & music career & still make money to survive. And what transpired was 2.5 months of stress. The stress of making a royally fucked up decision that damn near took me outta my natural element. And then........you look into your son & daughter's oblivious eyes...
...and thas when you start feeling so much pressure, you can't sleep...
"System OverLOAD!"
*NOTE: I edited this section due to when it was written...(before Christmas)...and the fact that I AM Finding My Way outta the storm I was in...
"I'm on the pursuit of Happiness and I know/ everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold/ But I'll be fine/ once I get it/ I'll be good". -Scott Mescudi, aka Kid Cudi
*II. A Million Sunshines
I see you - greater than I. I see it in your eyes...you, my little Prince. You just turned 6...but it feels like we've been together for an eternity. Eternal. Yes, just that! Daddy's TRUE goal is to raise you, better than I......to make it to Heaven one day, as will you: and spend an eternity looking at your handsome smile. Hurts to say the look in your eyes this morning......that look of concern........confirms to me, that you ARE getting older. And you are beginning to notice.
I love your sister and brother no less, but you...my Prince......are the brightest star in my sky. For reasons only Daddy knows. For reasons, I will never disclose......to you. And from God, you are the reason my heart continues to beat....even at times, when it stutters due to the travails & stress of any given day. You tell me...
"Daddy, I don't want you to get old"
...with big tears in your eyes. My God, the time is moving so fast now. And............and I..........Daddy would love nothing more than to be here with you, in THIS world, forever. But.......one day you will OVERstand that no man can stand under the sun forever. Just as you took your 1st precious breath, in my presence on that cold November day...daddy will one day take his final breath. But.......in our lifetime together, my ambition is to give you every ounce of love I am destined to give you.....and every ounce of love you more than deserve. I won't fail you. And........though.......even though it hasn't always been the best or the greatest.......material-wise......Daddy's love for you continues to grow with each passing second. One day you will read this.........or someone will tell you this was written. Just know that Daddy NEVER wants you to worry or be sad about anything he is dealing with or going thru. The only thing you have to do, as I explained to you this morning is: to continue being the best, most loving son a Daddy could possibly ask for. You (and your sister) are the greatest gift I have and will ever know. You make everyday Christmas.
I Love You Ahmir (my "Shining Prince")...
III. While Y'all Were Sleeping...
In my igloo, I am warm. Cold world. I wanna work with the Rusty Redenbachers, Allen Imagerys, Tasha Joneses, DJ Ducks, Don Pottas, Paul Bunyons...the MidKnights...Black Milks, Kanyes, etc............but itz kinda like, I don't know man. I feel like I'm running in place. Shidddd...I wanna send a copy of my album to my uncle Mike and MAKE him listen, except...he don't dig rap (lmao). But I know his daughters (my cousins) do. I know the players on Hawks do. Maaaaan...I KNOW I'm a great actor! I wanna work with Spike Lee. And Will Smith. And Tyler. And Denzel. And Johnny Depp. And Samuel L.....and Mike Epps! But.........I feel like I'm running in place.
In my igloo world...itz kinda frigid. But my blood is warm. I hear everybody say 5 to 7 million is too much for me to ask for, being a 1st time feature film director. And sometimes it makes me wanna say:
"Shut yo mouth before I fuck it." (LOL, Kid Cudi)
I mean sometimes peeps be whispering like, I should give up on my dreams. I mean, what - it ain't like I'm too old! And it ain't like I'm gonna be, say - 70 years-old, STILL trying to get my 1st film made.
"Lord, I need an assist!"
I mean...I can DO what Will & Denzel can do! I can do what Kanye (musically) & Common & Black Milk & Rusty & Black Thought & T.I. & Drake & Cudi & Mos Def can do! Hell...I can do what Maxwell & Raheem can do too. So where is this all at? And what does this all mean? Itz all timing & "right place at the right time" and.......Drive & Ambition. If itz a question of talent......I'm THERE already! But...all those people I mentioned above...I love. I mean - the fact I'm even writing my thoughts out like this is a VICTORY...becuz to keep all these emotions inside is to INDUCE a headache I don't need. The fact that I shed real ass tears while writing this ASIDE, the sun still has to heat the planet while we sleep. So...as Tamika said to me earlier today...you gotta come out the other side of the tunnel, so...
"Let there be light!"
*IV. "The Brain Storm" (Freestyle)
Spotlight me/ I see my life in triple-x hues
Hardcore blacks, browns, blues/ don't git it confused
I amuse my illusions/ and spray paint every bruise
And I lose my delusion/ I know the God that I choose
Itz enough to make you faint/ or make you think that you dead
I storm my brain like a trooper/ so my thoughts ain't misread
Every dream I ever said's/ running red thru my veins
So this is NOT/ in a vain/ to produce my disdain
God so loves the world/ enuff ta drive Him insane
Except/ God is a She/ who said I'll find my own lane
And it rains from my/ eyes/ sore, swollen from pain
So I'm Abel ta Cain myself/ justa make this shit plain
I love notes from my brain/ though tomorrow's uncertain
Pray for mine I for yours/ til She closes my curtain
Standing in the shadows/ waiting for the spotlight to glare
An optimus transformer/ if the world ever cares
And if the world's not enuff/ I'ma vacate the planet
If you took me for granted/ I'ma catch you on Saturn
My pattern/ unpredicted/ I'm addicted to time
And I'm running outta hours/ lemme step up my grind
Cuz I'm united/ like the states/ reverse of niggas who fake
And smile right up in yo face/ turn yo back and itz hate
Turn us back at a rate/ that gravitates my whole plate
In a retro mind/ state/ meant to make my soul break
Like the bread on the daily/ fuck you, PAY me
Cuz I paid my dues my fees/ and now I'm on "give us free"
Like fuck yo couch nigga/ please/ I got college degrees
But when my feet hit the street/ they still might say "freeze"
Frame my name for the picture/ set this moment in time
I'm at the bottom of the barrel/ climbing out thru this rhyme
And when the stars align/ please pay that "fame" shit, know mine
I'm one check away/ from YOU/ paying ME/ no mind
My brain storm/ trooper/ hits the gas on that ass
My brain's storm/ loops/ hail marys to pass
And the grass is never greener/ than it is where you stand
So when I fall/ let it pause/ I ain't less of a man
I raise a fist in defiance/ there's sum sweat in my hand
To match the tears in my eyes/ and my list of demands
Phi Beta Sigma/ branded/ I'm from the home team
Same color as the Colts/ deep inside of these seams
And it seems like/ Pieces of a Dream was unseen
So when I Face/ book myself/ they won't know what it means
Two words/ I will/ not lose/ give up/ or fail
And if you choose to play blind/ I can spit this in braille
My brainstorm is on hustle/ I gotta dig out this ditch
Cuz life is what I make it/ even when itz a bitch
My brainstorm is in progress/ time ta retool my pitch
Cuz this dream is on my shoulders/ and I ain't stoppin' for shit
I'm blizzard...
© 2010 by Monty Jey (JeyMo's Precious Chyle Publishing Ink.)
-mo.Jeysense1972
(P.S.- I love & appreciate all y'all who are truly in my corner & anybody who just came on board)
I. The Sombrero Fallout
...I now know, I wanna die.
I wanna kill this version of myself & reconfigure EXACTLY who I am...and what I'm here for. Sometimes, the picture in front of you is actually a hologram. I been seeing this "Taj Mirage" in front of me....like running toward a fresh water pond in the middle of a desert......I kinda like, played myself.
I wanna kill myOLDself & become: RE:Freshed. So...I'm lookin' to "Cain my Abel" today. Selfish pride, ego, etc. As my mama said to me recently:
"You been trying it your way and it ain't working. So lay down your arms...and let God take control."
Poignant words for a stubborn/defiant son. So..........lemme just say this, becuz the rumors will fly with summa my former co-workers. And I don't want my shit to be DIS:torted. See.........to me, FAILURE is - when a muthafucka doesn't try at ALL! Failure is NOT, when you TRY and don't succeed. For which it stands......I didn't leave my old job becuz I HATED it! Lemme repeat that:
"I did NOT leave my old job because I HATED it!"
I left, becuz I saw an opportunity to advance my acting & music career & still make money to survive. And what transpired was 2.5 months of stress. The stress of making a royally fucked up decision that damn near took me outta my natural element. And then........you look into your son & daughter's oblivious eyes...
...and thas when you start feeling so much pressure, you can't sleep...
"System OverLOAD!"
*NOTE: I edited this section due to when it was written...(before Christmas)...and the fact that I AM Finding My Way outta the storm I was in...
"I'm on the pursuit of Happiness and I know/ everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold/ But I'll be fine/ once I get it/ I'll be good". -Scott Mescudi, aka Kid Cudi
*II. A Million Sunshines
I see you - greater than I. I see it in your eyes...you, my little Prince. You just turned 6...but it feels like we've been together for an eternity. Eternal. Yes, just that! Daddy's TRUE goal is to raise you, better than I......to make it to Heaven one day, as will you: and spend an eternity looking at your handsome smile. Hurts to say the look in your eyes this morning......that look of concern........confirms to me, that you ARE getting older. And you are beginning to notice.
I love your sister and brother no less, but you...my Prince......are the brightest star in my sky. For reasons only Daddy knows. For reasons, I will never disclose......to you. And from God, you are the reason my heart continues to beat....even at times, when it stutters due to the travails & stress of any given day. You tell me...
"Daddy, I don't want you to get old"
...with big tears in your eyes. My God, the time is moving so fast now. And............and I..........Daddy would love nothing more than to be here with you, in THIS world, forever. But.......one day you will OVERstand that no man can stand under the sun forever. Just as you took your 1st precious breath, in my presence on that cold November day...daddy will one day take his final breath. But.......in our lifetime together, my ambition is to give you every ounce of love I am destined to give you.....and every ounce of love you more than deserve. I won't fail you. And........though.......even though it hasn't always been the best or the greatest.......material-wise......Daddy's love for you continues to grow with each passing second. One day you will read this.........or someone will tell you this was written. Just know that Daddy NEVER wants you to worry or be sad about anything he is dealing with or going thru. The only thing you have to do, as I explained to you this morning is: to continue being the best, most loving son a Daddy could possibly ask for. You (and your sister) are the greatest gift I have and will ever know. You make everyday Christmas.
I Love You Ahmir (my "Shining Prince")...
III. While Y'all Were Sleeping...
In my igloo, I am warm. Cold world. I wanna work with the Rusty Redenbachers, Allen Imagerys, Tasha Joneses, DJ Ducks, Don Pottas, Paul Bunyons...the MidKnights...Black Milks, Kanyes, etc............but itz kinda like, I don't know man. I feel like I'm running in place. Shidddd...I wanna send a copy of my album to my uncle Mike and MAKE him listen, except...he don't dig rap (lmao). But I know his daughters (my cousins) do. I know the players on Hawks do. Maaaaan...I KNOW I'm a great actor! I wanna work with Spike Lee. And Will Smith. And Tyler. And Denzel. And Johnny Depp. And Samuel L.....and Mike Epps! But.........I feel like I'm running in place.
In my igloo world...itz kinda frigid. But my blood is warm. I hear everybody say 5 to 7 million is too much for me to ask for, being a 1st time feature film director. And sometimes it makes me wanna say:
"Shut yo mouth before I fuck it." (LOL, Kid Cudi)
I mean sometimes peeps be whispering like, I should give up on my dreams. I mean, what - it ain't like I'm too old! And it ain't like I'm gonna be, say - 70 years-old, STILL trying to get my 1st film made.
"Lord, I need an assist!"
I mean...I can DO what Will & Denzel can do! I can do what Kanye (musically) & Common & Black Milk & Rusty & Black Thought & T.I. & Drake & Cudi & Mos Def can do! Hell...I can do what Maxwell & Raheem can do too. So where is this all at? And what does this all mean? Itz all timing & "right place at the right time" and.......Drive & Ambition. If itz a question of talent......I'm THERE already! But...all those people I mentioned above...I love. I mean - the fact I'm even writing my thoughts out like this is a VICTORY...becuz to keep all these emotions inside is to INDUCE a headache I don't need. The fact that I shed real ass tears while writing this ASIDE, the sun still has to heat the planet while we sleep. So...as Tamika said to me earlier today...you gotta come out the other side of the tunnel, so...
"Let there be light!"
*IV. "The Brain Storm" (Freestyle)
Spotlight me/ I see my life in triple-x hues
Hardcore blacks, browns, blues/ don't git it confused
I amuse my illusions/ and spray paint every bruise
And I lose my delusion/ I know the God that I choose
Itz enough to make you faint/ or make you think that you dead
I storm my brain like a trooper/ so my thoughts ain't misread
Every dream I ever said's/ running red thru my veins
So this is NOT/ in a vain/ to produce my disdain
God so loves the world/ enuff ta drive Him insane
Except/ God is a She/ who said I'll find my own lane
And it rains from my/ eyes/ sore, swollen from pain
So I'm Abel ta Cain myself/ justa make this shit plain
I love notes from my brain/ though tomorrow's uncertain
Pray for mine I for yours/ til She closes my curtain
Standing in the shadows/ waiting for the spotlight to glare
An optimus transformer/ if the world ever cares
And if the world's not enuff/ I'ma vacate the planet
If you took me for granted/ I'ma catch you on Saturn
My pattern/ unpredicted/ I'm addicted to time
And I'm running outta hours/ lemme step up my grind
Cuz I'm united/ like the states/ reverse of niggas who fake
And smile right up in yo face/ turn yo back and itz hate
Turn us back at a rate/ that gravitates my whole plate
In a retro mind/ state/ meant to make my soul break
Like the bread on the daily/ fuck you, PAY me
Cuz I paid my dues my fees/ and now I'm on "give us free"
Like fuck yo couch nigga/ please/ I got college degrees
But when my feet hit the street/ they still might say "freeze"
Frame my name for the picture/ set this moment in time
I'm at the bottom of the barrel/ climbing out thru this rhyme
And when the stars align/ please pay that "fame" shit, know mine
I'm one check away/ from YOU/ paying ME/ no mind
My brain storm/ trooper/ hits the gas on that ass
My brain's storm/ loops/ hail marys to pass
And the grass is never greener/ than it is where you stand
So when I fall/ let it pause/ I ain't less of a man
I raise a fist in defiance/ there's sum sweat in my hand
To match the tears in my eyes/ and my list of demands
Phi Beta Sigma/ branded/ I'm from the home team
Same color as the Colts/ deep inside of these seams
And it seems like/ Pieces of a Dream was unseen
So when I Face/ book myself/ they won't know what it means
Two words/ I will/ not lose/ give up/ or fail
And if you choose to play blind/ I can spit this in braille
My brainstorm is on hustle/ I gotta dig out this ditch
Cuz life is what I make it/ even when itz a bitch
My brainstorm is in progress/ time ta retool my pitch
Cuz this dream is on my shoulders/ and I ain't stoppin' for shit
I'm blizzard...
© 2010 by Monty Jey (JeyMo's Precious Chyle Publishing Ink.)
-mo.Jeysense1972
(P.S.- I love & appreciate all y'all who are truly in my corner & anybody who just came on board)
Volume I/Part 14: "A-E-I-O-U...And Sometimes...Why?"
*Everybody IS going through something...
"Doe ray me fa so la te doe"
I. Ain't Everybody Immune Other (than) Us...???
SING: On how quickly the world can spin outta control. Outta balance. No talent for that. Doesn't take great vocals or poignant lyrics to sing about that.
"cry me a river."
SING: It wasn't perfect working a job from 9 to 5...but, it beat this.
"5:00pm, Monday, January 11th..."
SING: SNAKE EYES, muthafucka, SNAKE EYES! Reality is a bitch. You trying not to think that "death" shit. Shaking from stress. Stress, shaking you from within...
"Being broke at 30 gives a nigga the chills"
...3 pairs of kids' eyes and one pair of a woman's eyes. Oblivious eyes.......and hollowing eyes.
SING: About how Insomnia keeps you from sleeping. Coffee becomes gin & tonic...even crack-like. Cigarettes become your drug of choice...becuz they calm the shakes...
"You could write the dopest shit! Record the dopest songs. Murder every role in every film you do....and right now.......nobody will ever know."
SING: "Doe ray me fa so la te doe"...becuz you practicing scales, spun backwards...hallucinating your future while time travelin' in reverse...
"I was a piano player in my last lifetime, now I write rhymes, sip white wine and let my light shine"
...but to reverse "the curse" you have to reverb the birth. The devil's got his foot on my throat....punching me. And punching me. AND PUNCHING ME! In my kidneys. So I'm...
"Pissed."
But not at anybody else. I'm pissed with...
SING: I'm pissed with myself. A self-loathing BASTARD who has a father and a mother and has never felt as alone in a world as he feels at the exact moment he wrote this prose. My disdain for myself will eventually subside, unless I die first..............but for now, anger at self resides
3:00 a.m. comes every morning.......and I lie awake, with the shakes. On the ceiling...my life plays out in front of me, like a film on the screen. Alternate story lines. One shows me on stage rocking a mic - audience with their hands up. Next scene shows me at dinner in L.A. with my wife and kids...and some teenage boy comes up to the table, timidly...and asks for an autograph. He's an only child. His mother stands just a few feet behind him. It's their 1st time in L.A. - and he tells me, they just left Universal Studios and...he proclaimed to his mother that he wanted to be an actor and that he would win an Oscar before he turns 50 to give to her, for all her love and sacrifice. I pause...and invite the teenage boy and his mother to have a seat. After asking, I find that he is taking acting classes in his home town. I sign the autograph and we all take a picture together. I give the teenage boy my card with my email and personal phone number and I tell him to keep me posted on his progress in acting. I see all of this...at 3:00 a.m. - every night - on my ceiling. I see that kid's face - starry-eyed and a bit shy...and I see his mother.....and I realize that the kid is me and my mother when I was 14. There was no one there in L.A. the 1st time I visited, to take that kinda interest in me. But in that position, thas how I would handle the skinny kid seeking a simple autograph..........and THEN the alternate story plays out on the ceiling...
SING: ...and the climate changes. There is no wife. No Cheyenne. No Ahmir. No Thomas. Itz dark. And cold. So dark...I. can't see my hand in front of my face. And so cold, the current temperature in Indianapolis would seem, equator hot. I hear the voices...muffled. I can't make out the words...but I hear the voices. Reminds me of a dream I used to have all the time when I was in college.
"And Sometimes......Why?"
Then somebody turns the lights on. I hear somebody singing, softly...but my eyes don't adjust to the light at first. But.....as they slowly make out what this is....on my right, just above...I see my wife...and Cheyenne...and Thomas...and then my beloved Ahmir...and my mother...and my father. Ahmir is crying...........
...and. On the ceiling, at 3:00 a.m. - every night...I realize, this is my funeral. The newspaper headline reads:
"Actor, Monty Jey, Dead at age 45."
Insomnia. Cold. Trying to reach out to touch Ahmir's face on the ceiling.....to wipe the tears off his chubby cheeks. Dead. Before realizing the dreams I had at age 14...even before that. Wife, Children & Parents, standing just outta my very silent & still reach.
SING LOUDER: I guess.............I need to either force myself to go to sleep at night...OR...stop lookin' at the gotdamn ceiling. But what DEFINITELY has to happen is this................there has to be a change made.
In Direction
Spiritually
Mentally
And Physically
Becuz...THIS, ain't who I am as a person. And I ain't ready to die...
-mo.jeySense1972
"Doe ray me fa so la te doe"
I. Ain't Everybody Immune Other (than) Us...???
SING: On how quickly the world can spin outta control. Outta balance. No talent for that. Doesn't take great vocals or poignant lyrics to sing about that.
"cry me a river."
SING: It wasn't perfect working a job from 9 to 5...but, it beat this.
"5:00pm, Monday, January 11th..."
SING: SNAKE EYES, muthafucka, SNAKE EYES! Reality is a bitch. You trying not to think that "death" shit. Shaking from stress. Stress, shaking you from within...
"Being broke at 30 gives a nigga the chills"
...3 pairs of kids' eyes and one pair of a woman's eyes. Oblivious eyes.......and hollowing eyes.
SING: About how Insomnia keeps you from sleeping. Coffee becomes gin & tonic...even crack-like. Cigarettes become your drug of choice...becuz they calm the shakes...
"You could write the dopest shit! Record the dopest songs. Murder every role in every film you do....and right now.......nobody will ever know."
SING: "Doe ray me fa so la te doe"...becuz you practicing scales, spun backwards...hallucinating your future while time travelin' in reverse...
"I was a piano player in my last lifetime, now I write rhymes, sip white wine and let my light shine"
...but to reverse "the curse" you have to reverb the birth. The devil's got his foot on my throat....punching me. And punching me. AND PUNCHING ME! In my kidneys. So I'm...
"Pissed."
But not at anybody else. I'm pissed with...
SING: I'm pissed with myself. A self-loathing BASTARD who has a father and a mother and has never felt as alone in a world as he feels at the exact moment he wrote this prose. My disdain for myself will eventually subside, unless I die first..............but for now, anger at self resides
3:00 a.m. comes every morning.......and I lie awake, with the shakes. On the ceiling...my life plays out in front of me, like a film on the screen. Alternate story lines. One shows me on stage rocking a mic - audience with their hands up. Next scene shows me at dinner in L.A. with my wife and kids...and some teenage boy comes up to the table, timidly...and asks for an autograph. He's an only child. His mother stands just a few feet behind him. It's their 1st time in L.A. - and he tells me, they just left Universal Studios and...he proclaimed to his mother that he wanted to be an actor and that he would win an Oscar before he turns 50 to give to her, for all her love and sacrifice. I pause...and invite the teenage boy and his mother to have a seat. After asking, I find that he is taking acting classes in his home town. I sign the autograph and we all take a picture together. I give the teenage boy my card with my email and personal phone number and I tell him to keep me posted on his progress in acting. I see all of this...at 3:00 a.m. - every night - on my ceiling. I see that kid's face - starry-eyed and a bit shy...and I see his mother.....and I realize that the kid is me and my mother when I was 14. There was no one there in L.A. the 1st time I visited, to take that kinda interest in me. But in that position, thas how I would handle the skinny kid seeking a simple autograph..........and THEN the alternate story plays out on the ceiling...
SING: ...and the climate changes. There is no wife. No Cheyenne. No Ahmir. No Thomas. Itz dark. And cold. So dark...I. can't see my hand in front of my face. And so cold, the current temperature in Indianapolis would seem, equator hot. I hear the voices...muffled. I can't make out the words...but I hear the voices. Reminds me of a dream I used to have all the time when I was in college.
"And Sometimes......Why?"
Then somebody turns the lights on. I hear somebody singing, softly...but my eyes don't adjust to the light at first. But.....as they slowly make out what this is....on my right, just above...I see my wife...and Cheyenne...and Thomas...and then my beloved Ahmir...and my mother...and my father. Ahmir is crying...........
...and. On the ceiling, at 3:00 a.m. - every night...I realize, this is my funeral. The newspaper headline reads:
"Actor, Monty Jey, Dead at age 45."
Insomnia. Cold. Trying to reach out to touch Ahmir's face on the ceiling.....to wipe the tears off his chubby cheeks. Dead. Before realizing the dreams I had at age 14...even before that. Wife, Children & Parents, standing just outta my very silent & still reach.
SING LOUDER: I guess.............I need to either force myself to go to sleep at night...OR...stop lookin' at the gotdamn ceiling. But what DEFINITELY has to happen is this................there has to be a change made.
In Direction
Spiritually
Mentally
And Physically
Becuz...THIS, ain't who I am as a person. And I ain't ready to die...
-mo.jeySense1972
Monday, January 18, 2010
Vol. I/Part 15: "Haiti Relate It"
*NOTE: I will post the previous 14 blogs at another time. To all new readers, welcome to Who IS Mo.Jey...??? THE BLOG
"Leave your ego at the door..."
I. "The Sky People"
...The 1st shall be last, the last shall be first. My mentality has always believed such.
We sure are sum privileged people. "Sky people", perhaps, for those who dug "Avatar". The combination of fate and having gratitude, all in the same damn hot breath. Life happens faster than a New York minute. Tragedy can visit you - faster than a New York second...
"Tick. Tick. Tick."
Like, January 11th, I was fighting for my family's freedom...for the very roof over our head, due to my own bad decision. And by the grace of God, my "two-minute drill" produced a positive result.
"Men Cry in the Dark"
I cried tears of fatigue & joy in my bathroom that afternoon...alone. In the dark.
January 12th - a 7.0 earthquake struck the most unlikely place on earth, known to me. Haiti.....not bothering anyone - was punched in the heart. And her heart stopped in that moment...
"Are YOU muthafuckas breathing!?"
Surely, no one asks for disaster to strike them. Surely, no one expected the earth beneath them, to shake so violently that the sky literally started falling. And there it was...
...Innocent men, women and...Beautiful children, caught in the crosshairs of mother nature's unpredicted fate. No where to run. No where to hide. I watched the news as the aftermath transpired, with the same feelings in my soul that I felt during 9/11...and Hurricane Katrina. That feeling of helplessness is the worst feeling in the world, when you're so far away that you can't physically assist the affected. On September 9th, 2001, I was in New York City on business. I was expected to be there until September 12th, but business didn't go as planned - so I decided to leave the evening of 9/9. I had this little ritual when I visited NYC. The day before I was due to leave, I would always go have breakfast in Manhattan...and then make my way to the World Trade Center to ride to the top and look out as far as the eyes could see. An early morning ritual, always. So.....it dawned on me as I watched the events of 9/11 play out on the t.v. screen that......if I had kept my original plans, which was to depart on the morning of 9/12, there was a pretty good chance I would have either been inside the WTC or close enough to have been in harms way.
"God ain't done with me yet."
Only God knows why I decided to skip 2.5 free days in a city I absolutly love. But, I left a day & a half before all hell broke loose...and we know the rest of the story. But now we have Haiti. I have a friend named Julie who was actually in Haiti on 1/12/2010. Her original flight was due to depart at 5:30pm...but plans got changed & she ended up leaving around 11:30am. Friends and family wanted her to stay, but...she left on the 11:30 flight. The earthquake happened at 4:53pm, which...if you do the math, you can determine what Julie's fate could have possibly been.
"God moves you where he WANTS you to be!"
The only coincidence is we are still alive Jules! We ARE...STILL. Alive. But there are countless others. Sum, with no name. Sum, who's smiles we will never see......who, due to fate...they will never witness another morning sunrise, of this earth.
"God don't make mistakes, no matter how many tears of grief we shed."
I kinda look at Americans as being the "Sky People" and the Haitians as being "Na'vi". NOW...I'm not so extreme in saying that, to belittle the people of Haiti or to shit on people in my country. But I'm gonna say what I feel here & you (the reader) can discern it as you choose. The only one I know of who has tried to make this a "black and white" issue, is a very ignorant bastard named Rush Limbaugh. And the only RUSH I respect is Russell Simmons. But since Limp-baugh's ass brought it up, lemme look at this close.
*9/11 - brought about a response that was both tragic, due to the loss of emergency responders (firefighters, policemen & women, etc.)...and heroic. The response was swift & and tireless.
*Katrina - brought about a less than flawless response. In fact, the response by the powers that be was downright embarrassing! And the world was watching just like they were on 9/11. Watching long enough to witness the fact that most of the folks stranded in New Orleans were African-Americans (let's NOT forger, that New Orleans was not the only place affected). It IS NOT a black and white issue to me, personally, but...viewing this event, I'm gonna say...
"A spade IS a fucking spade."
There are people of all hues & nationalities who have been affected by the earthquake in Haiti, but the fact is - the majority of the people affected are, in fact, Black. I ain't gonna discredit the efforts of the United States, but I AM gonna say - the relief is moving too damn SLOW! I say this while watching CNN, listening to a man in beg that the U.S. troops get to the Hotel Montana immediately, to rescue people who are trapped. I don't know military or government logistics, but - WHY is this moving so slowly? We are almost 7 days beyond the initual quake, itself. Though I am NOT saying itz impossible - I ask - just how long can a human being survive without food & water, while trapped under cement? The "Sky People" are gonna have to speed this up!
II. "...And Then, Again"
I'm gonna always LOVE my city, Indianapolis. But I.....there's just a real strange vibe to my town. The director of my film, "Pieces of a Dream" once told me his mother - when she visited Nap for the first time - stated:
"There's a very dark cloud hovering over this city."
I don't claim to know what she meant. I don't even claim to BE the most talented nigga IN this city. But what I do know is, I would put my skills on the table against any cat living here & and I wouldn't blink once.
And if somebody takes that as being confrontational or egotistical or (God forbid) arrogance, then itz safe to say that I may be a threat to you. But what I DID try to organize was NOT for my benefit! It was to be a part of the cause that IS the needed relief efferts for the victims of a natural disaster. I ain't climbing on a soapbox, but I'm saying...summa the shit I see seems to be a popularity contest for SOME artists in this city. Very clique'ish. Shit.........I think thas why Saul Williams is my favorite artist, period. Because Saul does Saul, whether YOU dig him or not...and he's STILL effective, with or without you. In essence.....thas what I'm about. I love collaborating with like-minded individuals or spirits, but......I don't dig somebody making it seem I gotta kiss they ass just to be "down" with what they doing. That gits a real quick "Fuh Cough" from me.
"My lips is like a ooo-wop as I start to spray it."
III. "Either Way"
"WOW in Reverse Spells..."
I'm a coma-less prose that knows
Comatose niggas who froze
Never to re-ignite last nights plight
Of chasing pussy wit a sword
Long on fantasy
But shorter than reality tells
When it swells
Bitches bail before the ending
And you was bending it like Beckham
Til she started heckling yo ass
Think fast, think quick
Becuz this is NOT about your dick
Even though you ACT like: a Richard Head
I am a man, a father of 3 stars
Aligned in the crossfire
That says, Daddy spits this shit
From the highest wires
Therefore, my star never falls
Like the sky when you niggas lie
And to those tongue-tied bastards
Claimin' true like beavers at the dam
I double-KNOT you niggas THIS year
Becuz you are NOT my source of fear
I palm mics & finger-fuck beats
Like doggie-style attrition
L-O-L that shit
Itz yo girl's favorite position
I spawn MasterSpeak addiction
At the rate of a sub-par emcee's fate
When he falls off before he ever climbs on
Which makes my poignant dialect
Independently owned
Becuz, in due time
Time is due, said the clock with no hands
My list demands that I stand
And deliver before I'm re-baptised
In a river of shit posing as battleships
I rattle this, while it hums
Over the chaos of kick drums and snares
I am THERE, like a stealth bomber
Undetected, lurking
Shadowboxin' my shadows
To sharpen my bite
And I'll snipe the FIRST muthafucka
Who cuts my line
As I lead ghetto children
To a path of greater greatness
Miles beyond the fakeness
And the faithless
The "I" in eye is ME
And when you finally see me
You will realize that I AM
A man, a father
And your favorite emcee's
FUTURE favorite emcee
Unless he hates what he loves
And it is at THAT moment in time
That you'll find
That I am the word "WOW"
Spelled in reverse.
© 2010 by Monty Jey.
-mo.jeySense1972
"Leave your ego at the door..."
I. "The Sky People"
...The 1st shall be last, the last shall be first. My mentality has always believed such.
We sure are sum privileged people. "Sky people", perhaps, for those who dug "Avatar". The combination of fate and having gratitude, all in the same damn hot breath. Life happens faster than a New York minute. Tragedy can visit you - faster than a New York second...
"Tick. Tick. Tick."
Like, January 11th, I was fighting for my family's freedom...for the very roof over our head, due to my own bad decision. And by the grace of God, my "two-minute drill" produced a positive result.
"Men Cry in the Dark"
I cried tears of fatigue & joy in my bathroom that afternoon...alone. In the dark.
January 12th - a 7.0 earthquake struck the most unlikely place on earth, known to me. Haiti.....not bothering anyone - was punched in the heart. And her heart stopped in that moment...
"Are YOU muthafuckas breathing!?"
Surely, no one asks for disaster to strike them. Surely, no one expected the earth beneath them, to shake so violently that the sky literally started falling. And there it was...
...Innocent men, women and...Beautiful children, caught in the crosshairs of mother nature's unpredicted fate. No where to run. No where to hide. I watched the news as the aftermath transpired, with the same feelings in my soul that I felt during 9/11...and Hurricane Katrina. That feeling of helplessness is the worst feeling in the world, when you're so far away that you can't physically assist the affected. On September 9th, 2001, I was in New York City on business. I was expected to be there until September 12th, but business didn't go as planned - so I decided to leave the evening of 9/9. I had this little ritual when I visited NYC. The day before I was due to leave, I would always go have breakfast in Manhattan...and then make my way to the World Trade Center to ride to the top and look out as far as the eyes could see. An early morning ritual, always. So.....it dawned on me as I watched the events of 9/11 play out on the t.v. screen that......if I had kept my original plans, which was to depart on the morning of 9/12, there was a pretty good chance I would have either been inside the WTC or close enough to have been in harms way.
"God ain't done with me yet."
Only God knows why I decided to skip 2.5 free days in a city I absolutly love. But, I left a day & a half before all hell broke loose...and we know the rest of the story. But now we have Haiti. I have a friend named Julie who was actually in Haiti on 1/12/2010. Her original flight was due to depart at 5:30pm...but plans got changed & she ended up leaving around 11:30am. Friends and family wanted her to stay, but...she left on the 11:30 flight. The earthquake happened at 4:53pm, which...if you do the math, you can determine what Julie's fate could have possibly been.
"God moves you where he WANTS you to be!"
The only coincidence is we are still alive Jules! We ARE...STILL. Alive. But there are countless others. Sum, with no name. Sum, who's smiles we will never see......who, due to fate...they will never witness another morning sunrise, of this earth.
"God don't make mistakes, no matter how many tears of grief we shed."
I kinda look at Americans as being the "Sky People" and the Haitians as being "Na'vi". NOW...I'm not so extreme in saying that, to belittle the people of Haiti or to shit on people in my country. But I'm gonna say what I feel here & you (the reader) can discern it as you choose. The only one I know of who has tried to make this a "black and white" issue, is a very ignorant bastard named Rush Limbaugh. And the only RUSH I respect is Russell Simmons. But since Limp-baugh's ass brought it up, lemme look at this close.
*9/11 - brought about a response that was both tragic, due to the loss of emergency responders (firefighters, policemen & women, etc.)...and heroic. The response was swift & and tireless.
*Katrina - brought about a less than flawless response. In fact, the response by the powers that be was downright embarrassing! And the world was watching just like they were on 9/11. Watching long enough to witness the fact that most of the folks stranded in New Orleans were African-Americans (let's NOT forger, that New Orleans was not the only place affected). It IS NOT a black and white issue to me, personally, but...viewing this event, I'm gonna say...
"A spade IS a fucking spade."
There are people of all hues & nationalities who have been affected by the earthquake in Haiti, but the fact is - the majority of the people affected are, in fact, Black. I ain't gonna discredit the efforts of the United States, but I AM gonna say - the relief is moving too damn SLOW! I say this while watching CNN, listening to a man in beg that the U.S. troops get to the Hotel Montana immediately, to rescue people who are trapped. I don't know military or government logistics, but - WHY is this moving so slowly? We are almost 7 days beyond the initual quake, itself. Though I am NOT saying itz impossible - I ask - just how long can a human being survive without food & water, while trapped under cement? The "Sky People" are gonna have to speed this up!
II. "...And Then, Again"
I'm gonna always LOVE my city, Indianapolis. But I.....there's just a real strange vibe to my town. The director of my film, "Pieces of a Dream" once told me his mother - when she visited Nap for the first time - stated:
"There's a very dark cloud hovering over this city."
I don't claim to know what she meant. I don't even claim to BE the most talented nigga IN this city. But what I do know is, I would put my skills on the table against any cat living here & and I wouldn't blink once.
And if somebody takes that as being confrontational or egotistical or (God forbid) arrogance, then itz safe to say that I may be a threat to you. But what I DID try to organize was NOT for my benefit! It was to be a part of the cause that IS the needed relief efferts for the victims of a natural disaster. I ain't climbing on a soapbox, but I'm saying...summa the shit I see seems to be a popularity contest for SOME artists in this city. Very clique'ish. Shit.........I think thas why Saul Williams is my favorite artist, period. Because Saul does Saul, whether YOU dig him or not...and he's STILL effective, with or without you. In essence.....thas what I'm about. I love collaborating with like-minded individuals or spirits, but......I don't dig somebody making it seem I gotta kiss they ass just to be "down" with what they doing. That gits a real quick "Fuh Cough" from me.
"My lips is like a ooo-wop as I start to spray it."
III. "Either Way"
"WOW in Reverse Spells..."
I'm a coma-less prose that knows
Comatose niggas who froze
Never to re-ignite last nights plight
Of chasing pussy wit a sword
Long on fantasy
But shorter than reality tells
When it swells
Bitches bail before the ending
And you was bending it like Beckham
Til she started heckling yo ass
Think fast, think quick
Becuz this is NOT about your dick
Even though you ACT like: a Richard Head
I am a man, a father of 3 stars
Aligned in the crossfire
That says, Daddy spits this shit
From the highest wires
Therefore, my star never falls
Like the sky when you niggas lie
And to those tongue-tied bastards
Claimin' true like beavers at the dam
I double-KNOT you niggas THIS year
Becuz you are NOT my source of fear
I palm mics & finger-fuck beats
Like doggie-style attrition
L-O-L that shit
Itz yo girl's favorite position
I spawn MasterSpeak addiction
At the rate of a sub-par emcee's fate
When he falls off before he ever climbs on
Which makes my poignant dialect
Independently owned
Becuz, in due time
Time is due, said the clock with no hands
My list demands that I stand
And deliver before I'm re-baptised
In a river of shit posing as battleships
I rattle this, while it hums
Over the chaos of kick drums and snares
I am THERE, like a stealth bomber
Undetected, lurking
Shadowboxin' my shadows
To sharpen my bite
And I'll snipe the FIRST muthafucka
Who cuts my line
As I lead ghetto children
To a path of greater greatness
Miles beyond the fakeness
And the faithless
The "I" in eye is ME
And when you finally see me
You will realize that I AM
A man, a father
And your favorite emcee's
FUTURE favorite emcee
Unless he hates what he loves
And it is at THAT moment in time
That you'll find
That I am the word "WOW"
Spelled in reverse.
© 2010 by Monty Jey.
-mo.jeySense1972
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