"If you close your eyes long enough, you can see the image of God."
I. The Sombrero Fallout
...I now know, I wanna die.
I wanna kill this version of myself & reconfigure EXACTLY who I am...and what I'm here for. Sometimes, the picture in front of you is actually a hologram. I been seeing this "Taj Mirage" in front of me....like running toward a fresh water pond in the middle of a desert......I kinda like, played myself.
I wanna kill myOLDself & become: RE:Freshed. So...I'm lookin' to "Cain my Abel" today. Selfish pride, ego, etc. As my mama said to me recently:
"You been trying it your way and it ain't working. So lay down your arms...and let God take control."
Poignant words for a stubborn/defiant son. So..........lemme just say this, becuz the rumors will fly with summa my former co-workers. And I don't want my shit to be DIS:torted. See.........to me, FAILURE is - when a muthafucka doesn't try at ALL! Failure is NOT, when you TRY and don't succeed. For which it stands......I didn't leave my old job becuz I HATED it! Lemme repeat that:
"I did NOT leave my old job because I HATED it!"
I left, becuz I saw an opportunity to advance my acting & music career & still make money to survive. And what transpired was 2.5 months of stress. The stress of making a royally fucked up decision that damn near took me outta my natural element. And then........you look into your son & daughter's oblivious eyes...
...and thas when you start feeling so much pressure, you can't sleep...
"System OverLOAD!"
*NOTE: I edited this section due to when it was written...(before Christmas)...and the fact that I AM Finding My Way outta the storm I was in...
"I'm on the pursuit of Happiness and I know/ everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold/ But I'll be fine/ once I get it/ I'll be good". -Scott Mescudi, aka Kid Cudi
*II. A Million Sunshines
I see you - greater than I. I see it in your eyes...you, my little Prince. You just turned 6...but it feels like we've been together for an eternity. Eternal. Yes, just that! Daddy's TRUE goal is to raise you, better than I......to make it to Heaven one day, as will you: and spend an eternity looking at your handsome smile. Hurts to say the look in your eyes this morning......that look of concern........confirms to me, that you ARE getting older. And you are beginning to notice.
I love your sister and brother no less, but you...my Prince......are the brightest star in my sky. For reasons only Daddy knows. For reasons, I will never disclose......to you. And from God, you are the reason my heart continues to beat....even at times, when it stutters due to the travails & stress of any given day. You tell me...
"Daddy, I don't want you to get old"
...with big tears in your eyes. My God, the time is moving so fast now. And............and I..........Daddy would love nothing more than to be here with you, in THIS world, forever. But.......one day you will OVERstand that no man can stand under the sun forever. Just as you took your 1st precious breath, in my presence on that cold November day...daddy will one day take his final breath. But.......in our lifetime together, my ambition is to give you every ounce of love I am destined to give you.....and every ounce of love you more than deserve. I won't fail you. And........though.......even though it hasn't always been the best or the greatest.......material-wise......Daddy's love for you continues to grow with each passing second. One day you will read this.........or someone will tell you this was written. Just know that Daddy NEVER wants you to worry or be sad about anything he is dealing with or going thru. The only thing you have to do, as I explained to you this morning is: to continue being the best, most loving son a Daddy could possibly ask for. You (and your sister) are the greatest gift I have and will ever know. You make everyday Christmas.
I Love You Ahmir (my "Shining Prince")...
III. While Y'all Were Sleeping...
In my igloo, I am warm. Cold world. I wanna work with the Rusty Redenbachers, Allen Imagerys, Tasha Joneses, DJ Ducks, Don Pottas, Paul Bunyons...the MidKnights...Black Milks, Kanyes, etc............but itz kinda like, I don't know man. I feel like I'm running in place. Shidddd...I wanna send a copy of my album to my uncle Mike and MAKE him listen, except...he don't dig rap (lmao). But I know his daughters (my cousins) do. I know the players on Hawks do. Maaaaan...I KNOW I'm a great actor! I wanna work with Spike Lee. And Will Smith. And Tyler. And Denzel. And Johnny Depp. And Samuel L.....and Mike Epps! But.........I feel like I'm running in place.
In my igloo world...itz kinda frigid. But my blood is warm. I hear everybody say 5 to 7 million is too much for me to ask for, being a 1st time feature film director. And sometimes it makes me wanna say:
"Shut yo mouth before I fuck it." (LOL, Kid Cudi)
I mean sometimes peeps be whispering like, I should give up on my dreams. I mean, what - it ain't like I'm too old! And it ain't like I'm gonna be, say - 70 years-old, STILL trying to get my 1st film made.
"Lord, I need an assist!"
I mean...I can DO what Will & Denzel can do! I can do what Kanye (musically) & Common & Black Milk & Rusty & Black Thought & T.I. & Drake & Cudi & Mos Def can do! Hell...I can do what Maxwell & Raheem can do too. So where is this all at? And what does this all mean? Itz all timing & "right place at the right time" and.......Drive & Ambition. If itz a question of talent......I'm THERE already! But...all those people I mentioned above...I love. I mean - the fact I'm even writing my thoughts out like this is a VICTORY...becuz to keep all these emotions inside is to INDUCE a headache I don't need. The fact that I shed real ass tears while writing this ASIDE, the sun still has to heat the planet while we sleep. So...as Tamika said to me earlier today...you gotta come out the other side of the tunnel, so...
"Let there be light!"
*IV. "The Brain Storm" (Freestyle)
Spotlight me/ I see my life in triple-x hues
Hardcore blacks, browns, blues/ don't git it confused
I amuse my illusions/ and spray paint every bruise
And I lose my delusion/ I know the God that I choose
Itz enough to make you faint/ or make you think that you dead
I storm my brain like a trooper/ so my thoughts ain't misread
Every dream I ever said's/ running red thru my veins
So this is NOT/ in a vain/ to produce my disdain
God so loves the world/ enuff ta drive Him insane
Except/ God is a She/ who said I'll find my own lane
And it rains from my/ eyes/ sore, swollen from pain
So I'm Abel ta Cain myself/ justa make this shit plain
I love notes from my brain/ though tomorrow's uncertain
Pray for mine I for yours/ til She closes my curtain
Standing in the shadows/ waiting for the spotlight to glare
An optimus transformer/ if the world ever cares
And if the world's not enuff/ I'ma vacate the planet
If you took me for granted/ I'ma catch you on Saturn
My pattern/ unpredicted/ I'm addicted to time
And I'm running outta hours/ lemme step up my grind
Cuz I'm united/ like the states/ reverse of niggas who fake
And smile right up in yo face/ turn yo back and itz hate
Turn us back at a rate/ that gravitates my whole plate
In a retro mind/ state/ meant to make my soul break
Like the bread on the daily/ fuck you, PAY me
Cuz I paid my dues my fees/ and now I'm on "give us free"
Like fuck yo couch nigga/ please/ I got college degrees
But when my feet hit the street/ they still might say "freeze"
Frame my name for the picture/ set this moment in time
I'm at the bottom of the barrel/ climbing out thru this rhyme
And when the stars align/ please pay that "fame" shit, know mine
I'm one check away/ from YOU/ paying ME/ no mind
My brain storm/ trooper/ hits the gas on that ass
My brain's storm/ loops/ hail marys to pass
And the grass is never greener/ than it is where you stand
So when I fall/ let it pause/ I ain't less of a man
I raise a fist in defiance/ there's sum sweat in my hand
To match the tears in my eyes/ and my list of demands
Phi Beta Sigma/ branded/ I'm from the home team
Same color as the Colts/ deep inside of these seams
And it seems like/ Pieces of a Dream was unseen
So when I Face/ book myself/ they won't know what it means
Two words/ I will/ not lose/ give up/ or fail
And if you choose to play blind/ I can spit this in braille
My brainstorm is on hustle/ I gotta dig out this ditch
Cuz life is what I make it/ even when itz a bitch
My brainstorm is in progress/ time ta retool my pitch
Cuz this dream is on my shoulders/ and I ain't stoppin' for shit
I'm blizzard...
© 2010 by Monty Jey (JeyMo's Precious Chyle Publishing Ink.)
-mo.Jeysense1972
(P.S.- I love & appreciate all y'all who are truly in my corner & anybody who just came on board)
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