"To some God is the light
That leads them to believe
That they see, and know everything
But if one is to truly be born again
You would have to gouge out your eyes
Cut out your tongue
And grieve and cry like a baby
That's been snatched away
Cry like a baby that's been snatched away
Sista, cry like a baby that's been snatched away
Brotha, cry like a baby that's been snatched away
To some God is the light
That leads them to believe that they see
And know everything
I sway to the pulses of the rivers of blood
That flow through my body
Cuz I believe in things
That you cannot see..."
-Meshell Ndegeocello, "Akel Dama (Field of Blood)"
*SCENE 1: "Abu Ghraib"
...There is a certain pattern to the way people just utterly lose their sense of direction in life. Like...a 9.0 earthquake just knocks a soul off its axis. The world around you gets rocked...and suddenly, you start to confuse day for night. And night for day.
I fuckin' fell down an entire flight of stairs six days ago. Went up the steps to retrieve clothes from my dryer and slipped on the top stair and...
"Let the FALL commence."
Needless to say, the shit seemed to happen in slow motion. Like...
"Wait a minute, am I fall...I'm fuckin' FALLING down these STAIRS!? Are. You. Kidding ME!?"
Fell on my back...and I ain't sure how I managed to not tumble face first - or - roll down the stairs. Obviously, that coulda/woulda been far worse than what actually happened. So......YEP...slipped on the carpet on the top step...and 10 stairs later, I'm looking up at the ceiling...and then my 6 year-old son who's in shock......and then my 5 year-old daughter who's on the verge of crying.
"Daddy's okay."
Thas what I told them to calm them down. Got up a little too fast. Not sure if I hit my head or not. But, with a 5 and 6 year-old on the verge of panic...the best thing to do was to jump up fast. NOW...once in the room, I assessed the damage
-Left wrist cut, similar to a person who tried to slit their wrists to commit suicide, the WRONG way (glad the right wrist didn't get cut...or there would be questions...lol)
-Both elbows scraped...but not cut. Sore as hell.
-Right hip with a black & blue bruise
-Right ankle sprained & bruised
-Back pain on both sides
-Right index finger, black & blue bruise (that one was odd to me)
-Chest bruised
-Left foot bruised
-Upper left arm bruised
-Left knee swollen
-Ego...didn't figure into it. Shit happens.
But like I said, there is a pattern to how people lose focus in the daily grind of their lives. What is not lost upon me here is this:
I could have fell down the stairs, hit my head and lost consciousness...OR...it coulda been worse than that & I could have fell, tumbled & snapped my neck.
I thought about that right after assessed the physical "damage". Like...what if that had been the end of the road for me? I mean...go out in a blaze of glory by falling down the stairs........in MY GOTDAMN HOUSE! Honestly, that crossed my mind......which prompted me to - not only teach my kids HOW to use my touch screen...but it also made me move forward with activating my much easier to use - T-Mobile Dash...just in case the kids need to call Mommy or my mother or father in an emergency.
So easy to lose focus though. Like...the wool can be pulled over your eyes - and people will lead you to believe that you cannot realize your dreams. In this lifetime. Easy to fall in love with that weekly or bi-weekly direct deposit from the cushy (or robotic) 9 to 5.....OF COURSE, bills have to be paid, babies gotta eat, etc. OF COURSE, we gotta have cash to survive. And if money IS the root of all evil...then we ARE in a spiritual catch-22...becuz without money, you increase your chances of dying a premature death ANYWAY. You can lose focus, because - to have NOT, when you have kids...does not fly straight arrow.
I could be deemed a bona fide SELFISH bastard for following my dreams.
"Nigga you got KIDS and you trying to be an actor and a RAPPER!"
Well...yeah, muthafucka - I am. I ain't trying to be, thas what I AM. And I was already working on that, before the kids came...........and life did not end once they were born. If anything...the birth of my kids motivated me more than I was before they came to exist. I once went to college for a year. Straight A's. Decided, I wanted to transfer from Indiana University to UCLA. Didn't quite know how to go about doing that at the time...ended up as a temp at General Motors making just under $17 an hour......to do NOTHING! Cushy job, got comfortable, was about to get hired...and then BOOM!
The roof collapsed
GM decided my department would go straight computer, and the 3 full time employees (including my distant cousin manager) would operate the system. $17 an hour temp job, erased. Hello minimum wage mall gig at NRM Music. I had an epiphany that spring. I had totally lost my focus on what I had originally set out to do. Kinda...fell in love with that GM money. The epiphany was simple: Indiana University's Theatre Department, suddenly didn't look OR sound so bad after all. Now.......when it was all said and finished, after taking 2 years off, I still managed to get my BA in 3 school years (including summer classes). But the point of it all..............people were in my ear back then.
"Man, if you get hired on at GM, your life is SET!"
Looking back, without the wool covering my eyes.....I woulda been kool money wise, but miserable. What...in a factory!? How much creativity can flow there? Sure...I prolly wouldn't have the struggles I have now...BUT, the bottom line is this:
"If my dreams are gonna be compromised, sacrificed or redirected...it will be because God moved ME to push the button on moving in a new direction."
No human being on the face of this earth has the power or authority to redirect my path OR to change my mind. The easy route is to give up. To say...there's a trillion muthafuckas out there just like me...trying to act, direct, write and/or rap. So what makes me unique or different from the rest?
(ANSWER: Y'all are about to find out.)
When I lived in L.A., I once went to an audition that called for an athletic black male...bald, with a goatee...approximately 5'10" to 6'2". At the time, I had a goatee, I was/am bald...I'm 6'1", 175...and definitely athletic. LMAO...so the night before, I'm AMPED! Knowing damn well my acting chops are thorough...and I'm gonna get this role. So...I showed up early so I could peep the sides before the audition.....and when I arrived...I counted exactly 52 other black men - who fit the same description the audition called for. FIFTY-TWO. The lesson to me on that day was simple. Not only keep your skills sharp (it AIN'T always about talent, believe THAT)...but create a uniqueness within yourself...that no one can duplicate or take away. And THAS where I currently stand right now, in this hour. An actor slash writer slash director named Monty Jey...and a rapper named Mo-dot Jey (Mo.Jey). No sugarcoating or faux enhancements. Only the will persist (i.e. Morgan Freeman & Samuel L. Jackson). Only the drive to outwork you (i.e. Will Smith). And quite simply put...I got the guts to fuckin' DO what others say is impossible (i.e. "Hello Oscar and Grammy).
I guess my tongue has been cut out & my eyes have been gouged out too. Becuz, I have been reborn. With no Abu Ghraib included. Don't read this in braille...
-WhoIsMo.Jey...?®
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