•No Introduction...
This is my life and I hear God speaking...
...But tonight, it seems the wires have crossed a trillion times before my eyes could blink. And tonight, my precious son Ahmir...and my precious, oh so sassy, daughter, Cheyenne - sleep - a second night, away from me. All because of my decision to take a chance.....a leap of faith, in my quest to become what I was born to be. I didn't fail when I lost my job...........the choice I made just didn't turn out successful. The "fall" began in November 2009. It is now, May 2010.....and I'm still falling...
(LOL).......Pardon me, but I gotta laugh. Gotta laugh, because....a lesser bastard woulda found his way to the top of a building, downtown Indianapolis...and then he woulda leaped his black ass off the roof. I, AIN'T, crazy.
"And I love myDAMNself too much to do THAT!"
Funny thing about marriage is this: IF you take somebody else's advice on how to be successful at it, 9.5 times outta 10, you'll be unsuccessful at it. Not being a pessismist with that statement. I'm just saying, EVERYBODY's marriage is different...and opinion's are like assholes, everybody has one. So............why do I feel I've failed at marriage? Well....shiddddd....it would be waaaaay too easy to just simply blame it all on her. Cop out and say, "It's ALL her fault." I ain't THAT vain...and I would never royally shit on her like that. I mean, two people committed. Two imperfect people said their vows. 2 imperfect people who had great, though flawed, intentions. Flaws that were not conquered. I'm not going all off into specifics, EVER......thas NOBODY's business, except me, her and God. I'm just saying......when itz all said and done....tonight........my children sleep in a home, separate from the one I'm writing this in. And.................I've never felt this alone before...
"I'm man enough to ADMIT that!"
I been saying how I wanna record this mixtape and, you know...FINALLY get my music out for y'all to hear. And I kinda been wondering, like, do people think I'm kiddin' myself...like I'm thinking I'm gonna sell a half-a-million copies or sumthin? If so, the answer is HELL NAW! I'm not thinking about how many I'm gonna sell. No......I wanna do it so bad, because:
1. I KNOW how talented I am, without someone stroking my ego.
2. Because my dad...and my dad's father...and my dad's father's dad - ALL had BIG dreams that were never brought to reality or fruition. And the cycle stops here. And...
3. BECAUSE I REFUSE TO EVER ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH MY KIDS ABOUT HOW DADDY DIDN'T ACCOMPLISH - SHIT HE SET OUT TO DO!
Hell, the pressure from my family, friends and peers is like a trip to DISNEY WORLD compared to the pressure I've placed on my OWN head
"A $25 Million tag...dead or alive (GREAT...Expectations)"
I know the doubts from family, friends and peers are present. I hear the naysayers loud and clear. I hear the snickers in my sleep. Just like.......I know summa them same people fear the thought of me blowing the fuck up...internationally. Neither side moves me to the left or right. Neither side phases me.
Which brings me back to "marriage failure". C'MON yo.......ain't shit new under the sun. Failing at marriage ain't new. Itz bigger than that to me.....but definitely ain't NEW! Failing at marriage is like, failing God...to me.
But..........I mean this wholeheartedly. I just said two days ago:
"Failure is NOT when you try and you don't become successful. Failure is when yo ass don't try at all!"
Just like success is NOT defined by others...itz defined in your OWN mind. So.....I'll give both of us credit. I believe we TRIED! So....in saying that......is it really "marriage failure"? Or was it simply not meant? Thas NOT for me to answer here. I mean, itz subjected to individual opinion. I DO KNOW......I won't be a "prick-ass" ex. Me and her will ALWAYS be friends and the PARENTS of two....excuse me, THREE beautiful children. We have 2 children together....but, since I've been my stepson's father since right before he turned age 2, he's just as much MY son as my biological son and daughter.
So yeah.......tonight, my 3 children sleep in a home - separate from the one I'll sleep in. Itz sad.................no doubt.
I am an actor. I am a rapper. I am a film director. I am a writer. I am a friend. I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am a HERO....for my children. But most of all...and more importantly........I am a human being and a child of God.
And God.......one single tear just dropped...
"I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears, but I'm scared of loving you. I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair but I'm scared of loving you. Am I the only one who thinks itz an impossible task, why it don't last, is that too much to ask? Why do we love "Love", when love seems to hate us?"
•I Have No Fear (Bilal) & I. Will. Not. Lose! (Shawn Carter)
-Who IS Mo.Jey...?
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